Surrender sweet Surrender

Why is it that we fight so hard the sweet release we feel once we surrender? Why is it that we so very much fight to hang on to the things we know we need to surrender? especially when we have been down the trail to surrender and found it to be such a sweet sweet place and the joy of freedom we find on on the other side has no equal does it?

After my long battle with trying to maintain some small grasp of control of my life, last Sunday I finally gave in and surrendered it all to God. I went forward at church and requested prayer from the pastor regarding me getting actively involved in the ministry God would place me in at this church. Then made the phone calls I needed to make to be obedient to Gods direction to pull out of things I had no business being committed to. (good things, just not things God wants me to focus on right now) Then this afternoon I had a long conversation with the pastor at my new church. I shared my testimony with him and some of the highlights of the ministries I have been involved in over the past few years and some of the things God has done in my life. He was quite interested and wants to continue the conversation soon. I have told him to please be in prayer regarding where I might be able to serve the congregation. I told him I am there because I believe that is where God wants me to be and that I am wiling to serve where He believes I can best be of assistance to the church body.

I cannot begin to tell you what a wonderful sweet feeling it was to finally take that step and be willing to do whatever it is that God would have me do here at this church.

So again I ask why is it that we fight so hard letting go and surrendering to the will of God in our lives?

His will not mine...

I have never been so frustrated in my life, as I am today. At least not that I can remember. I am going to try to share where I am right now and how I am feeling. I apologize in advance for how real this is about to get... I just know that I have to put this into words so I can go back and read it until I get it...

I had been walking on a mountain top for several months. Then in a matter of a few days I came sliding down the side of that mountain into a very deep valley. I know that it is all part of God shaping me to be the women He wants me to be and part of that is simply learning to listen to Him and obeying Him. bowing gracefully to His will for my life and not mine. I have for the past two months now been heavily engaged in a battle for control of ALL of my life. Every single activity and minute. right here this morning I have been trying to complete an activity that should take just minutes. Yet every time I try to accomplish it, I can't, I forget how to do simple things that I know how to do. I cannot find the tools on the toolbar. I draw a blank when trying to think thought the simplest steps. The sad part of this frustration is this is something That I hear God telling me not to do, yet I keep trying to do. This is not the direction He wants me to go in. This is not an activity I should be doing. I don't really believe that the activity itself is such a big deal to God. It is my obedience. It is me learning to say no. It is me doing the things God wants me to do without being sidetracked by other "good" things. It is me being more concerned with what God thinks and not so much about what others think of me. it is me not being able to repay all that God has done for me. it is me understanding that God chooses to bless me and favor me not for what I will do in return to repay it, but allowing myself to be blessed. Not that there is anything "bad" in me helping others. we are supposed to help others. the issue here is my motive. Why I am doing these things. My motive is wrong. My thinking is wrong. I am doing these things because I want to please the people. I want to payback in some way the blessings they have been in my life. Pay back the hands that delivered to me the Gifts my Lord wanted to give me. It is me needing to understand that God has a plan for my life and I need to follow that plan. I need to learn to not get so bogged down with all the good things I am doing, that I am unable to give 100% to the thing or things He wants me to do.

It is, bottom line... me being obedient to God's calling on MY life, and becoming the women He wants ME to become.

I have two very dear friends that I have agreed to do things for. that I know I have to call and tell them I can not do the things I agreed to do. My heart hurts so much over this. I do not want to disappoint these women, who are both counting on me to do these things. both are things I want to do. but I also realize that my motives are not correct, nor is my reasoning for wanting to do them. I also know that I need to learn to stop and pray about things before agreeing to do them. I need to count the cost before agreeing to do things. and even simple things that I should be able to handle quickly and efficiently I need to do this for. Because lots of little small tasks have the ability to keep my focus off those things God would have me be involved in. I also know that God is not going to allow these two wonderful women to be left in the lurch. He will raise up others to do these things for them. I wish it could be me... I know that it is not. I also know my God is faithful to supply all our needs and He will supply the needs of these two women as well.

Another part of this, and another situation I find myself in, is I struggle with just accepting God's gifts and blessings. I find myself wanting to in some way repay those who are the hands of blessing in my life. I find that I cannot repay them, and so I feel guilty for accepting the blessings. All wrong thinking I know. I know that those who God is using to bless me would be upset if they knew how I was feeling. (so if you are one of those people in my life and you are reading this please don't be upset, instead pray that God truly heals me in this area of my life) That is truly what this is all about. this is just another part of God's faithfulness in my life to help me achieve health. remember this journey I am on is not just about physical health but also about spiritual, emotional and mental health. That's it!!!! This is all about spiritual, emotional and mental health!

Yes, I get it... I just need to really GET IT! and be able to APPLY IT!!! now that is where the rubber meets the road. Scripture tells us to confess our sins one to another. and so here it is... allow this to be my confession of how messed up my thinking is and how my messed up thinking has led me to sin by not counting the cost of things the way God has commanded us to. It has led me to sin by being more concerned with what others thought of me than being obedient to what God is asking me to do. I need to correct that today! I do not ever want to put others above God. Yet I have. I have been so concerned about what others might think, that I have not been obedient. I have to realize I cannot and should not attempt to repay anyone for what God is doing in my life by their words, deeds or hands. I need to Thank God for His provision and blessings and thank them for being Gods, hands, words and deeds in my life and leave it at that, unless God directs me otherwise.

Scripture also tells us to be a witness to others how God works in our lives. so here I show you how I have come to realize that this is all an exercise that God has orchestrated to show me His love and faithfulness and guidance and loving direction in my life. It is all a part of Him molding me and shaping me to become the women He would have me be. It is about me learning submission and surrender to His will not mine... Like the words of the Lincoln Brewster song... "I have given you my heart and all that is within me... I lay it all down, for the sake of you my King. I have given you my dreams, I'm laying down my lies, I'm giving up my pride for the promise of new life, and I surrender, all to you... all to you... and I surrender, all to you... all to you!!!" Today I make this my prayer. one I will probably need to pray daily, maybe even hourly... I know that God knows my heart and God loves me and God forgives me. Even when I have days like this where I get frustrated and do not immediately get to where He would have me to be. I know that He is a gentle and patient Father who will love me in spite of it all. Our God is faithful, our God is all loving, all wise and truly does want the very best for us. He promised us that He came to give us life and life more abundant. He and He alone knows what that will be in our lives and He will bring it to pass, if we allow Him to!

Blessing to you all,

Perseverance

Perseverance is a word that has been hounding me for weeks... God does that sometimes to me, does He do that to you? When there is something He wants me to get, that word, thought, situation or process repeats itself over and over in my life! So it is with the word perseverance. the latest in a long string of incidents involving this is a conference call that was scheduled months ago. When the speaker was chosen and she chose her topic, just a week or so ago, she chose the topic of... yes, you guessed it, perseverance! Even more unusual at that point was another of the ladies who was going to be on the call when she heard the topic e-mailed back to everyone saying how much she needed that. I laughingly wrote back to everyone and said "you may need it but I know God intends for me to hear it!" This journey has been a long hard journey and I know that I have not been staying the course very well lately. Well the call did not happen the way we had hoped yet I am sure it is exactly how God intended. We did have a great call with just three of us sharing. The women who felt she needed the call, the presenter and I were the only ones on the call. It was a great time of sharing and praying! later in the day I received an e-mail from the presenter with some encouraging words and something in her e-mail got me thinking. I have been feeling a loss of passion in my life, feeling like maybe this was a time to slow down and reevaluate where I am in my spiritual life and my ministries. Maybe God was trying to prepare me for yet another part of my life to be in transition.I have been hearing “be still and know that I am God” and wondering if this is not a time of waiting in my life. God has been moving so fast and so furiously that many times I talked about my head spinning, because of the incredibly fast pace God was changing things in my life. I wondered, if this was not a much needed rest for my mind and body, to allow my heart to catch up with everything God is doing. However, after reading her e-mail I was reminded of how Satan tempted Jesus with scripture and even though Jesus was “hearing the word” it was not what God wanted for Him, so Jesus rebuked the enemy and all that he was tempting Him with. I agree that it is very tempting for me to slow down and take some time off to allow my heart and mind to catch up. Another dear friend, when we were talking a few weeks ago during my trip to NC, told me she was almost angry at what she was seeing and hearing from me. She believed it was the enemy trying to take back ground that God had already given to me…. At first I was shocked and completely resistant to the idea. Now I am not so sure. One thing I do know is that God is not the author of confusion. That would be the enemy. So since I am feeling very confused right now as to which way to allow my thoughts to flow I know that the enemy (even if this enemy is my own human nature) is at work in my life. I would ask for your prayers as I continue to struggle through all that is happening. I Know that my Lord is the victor in this battle. I know that He desires great and mighty things in my life. I also know that His greatest desire is for Him and I to have a relationship that is beyond description. I will choose to work on that for now and allow other things to naturally fall into place as I put Him in first place in my life. I know that there are good things He has prepared for me to do yet that is not His first desire for me. So I, like Mary of Bethany, will choose that which is better. I will choose for now to sit at His feet and listen to His voice. Want to join me?

Hmmmmm lots to think about and pray about.