His will not mine...

I have never been so frustrated in my life, as I am today. At least not that I can remember. I am going to try to share where I am right now and how I am feeling. I apologize in advance for how real this is about to get... I just know that I have to put this into words so I can go back and read it until I get it...

I had been walking on a mountain top for several months. Then in a matter of a few days I came sliding down the side of that mountain into a very deep valley. I know that it is all part of God shaping me to be the women He wants me to be and part of that is simply learning to listen to Him and obeying Him. bowing gracefully to His will for my life and not mine. I have for the past two months now been heavily engaged in a battle for control of ALL of my life. Every single activity and minute. right here this morning I have been trying to complete an activity that should take just minutes. Yet every time I try to accomplish it, I can't, I forget how to do simple things that I know how to do. I cannot find the tools on the toolbar. I draw a blank when trying to think thought the simplest steps. The sad part of this frustration is this is something That I hear God telling me not to do, yet I keep trying to do. This is not the direction He wants me to go in. This is not an activity I should be doing. I don't really believe that the activity itself is such a big deal to God. It is my obedience. It is me learning to say no. It is me doing the things God wants me to do without being sidetracked by other "good" things. It is me being more concerned with what God thinks and not so much about what others think of me. it is me not being able to repay all that God has done for me. it is me understanding that God chooses to bless me and favor me not for what I will do in return to repay it, but allowing myself to be blessed. Not that there is anything "bad" in me helping others. we are supposed to help others. the issue here is my motive. Why I am doing these things. My motive is wrong. My thinking is wrong. I am doing these things because I want to please the people. I want to payback in some way the blessings they have been in my life. Pay back the hands that delivered to me the Gifts my Lord wanted to give me. It is me needing to understand that God has a plan for my life and I need to follow that plan. I need to learn to not get so bogged down with all the good things I am doing, that I am unable to give 100% to the thing or things He wants me to do.

It is, bottom line... me being obedient to God's calling on MY life, and becoming the women He wants ME to become.

I have two very dear friends that I have agreed to do things for. that I know I have to call and tell them I can not do the things I agreed to do. My heart hurts so much over this. I do not want to disappoint these women, who are both counting on me to do these things. both are things I want to do. but I also realize that my motives are not correct, nor is my reasoning for wanting to do them. I also know that I need to learn to stop and pray about things before agreeing to do them. I need to count the cost before agreeing to do things. and even simple things that I should be able to handle quickly and efficiently I need to do this for. Because lots of little small tasks have the ability to keep my focus off those things God would have me be involved in. I also know that God is not going to allow these two wonderful women to be left in the lurch. He will raise up others to do these things for them. I wish it could be me... I know that it is not. I also know my God is faithful to supply all our needs and He will supply the needs of these two women as well.

Another part of this, and another situation I find myself in, is I struggle with just accepting God's gifts and blessings. I find myself wanting to in some way repay those who are the hands of blessing in my life. I find that I cannot repay them, and so I feel guilty for accepting the blessings. All wrong thinking I know. I know that those who God is using to bless me would be upset if they knew how I was feeling. (so if you are one of those people in my life and you are reading this please don't be upset, instead pray that God truly heals me in this area of my life) That is truly what this is all about. this is just another part of God's faithfulness in my life to help me achieve health. remember this journey I am on is not just about physical health but also about spiritual, emotional and mental health. That's it!!!! This is all about spiritual, emotional and mental health!

Yes, I get it... I just need to really GET IT! and be able to APPLY IT!!! now that is where the rubber meets the road. Scripture tells us to confess our sins one to another. and so here it is... allow this to be my confession of how messed up my thinking is and how my messed up thinking has led me to sin by not counting the cost of things the way God has commanded us to. It has led me to sin by being more concerned with what others thought of me than being obedient to what God is asking me to do. I need to correct that today! I do not ever want to put others above God. Yet I have. I have been so concerned about what others might think, that I have not been obedient. I have to realize I cannot and should not attempt to repay anyone for what God is doing in my life by their words, deeds or hands. I need to Thank God for His provision and blessings and thank them for being Gods, hands, words and deeds in my life and leave it at that, unless God directs me otherwise.

Scripture also tells us to be a witness to others how God works in our lives. so here I show you how I have come to realize that this is all an exercise that God has orchestrated to show me His love and faithfulness and guidance and loving direction in my life. It is all a part of Him molding me and shaping me to become the women He would have me be. It is about me learning submission and surrender to His will not mine... Like the words of the Lincoln Brewster song... "I have given you my heart and all that is within me... I lay it all down, for the sake of you my King. I have given you my dreams, I'm laying down my lies, I'm giving up my pride for the promise of new life, and I surrender, all to you... all to you... and I surrender, all to you... all to you!!!" Today I make this my prayer. one I will probably need to pray daily, maybe even hourly... I know that God knows my heart and God loves me and God forgives me. Even when I have days like this where I get frustrated and do not immediately get to where He would have me to be. I know that He is a gentle and patient Father who will love me in spite of it all. Our God is faithful, our God is all loving, all wise and truly does want the very best for us. He promised us that He came to give us life and life more abundant. He and He alone knows what that will be in our lives and He will bring it to pass, if we allow Him to!

Blessing to you all,