Asking questions

I have been challenged today by something I read on a web site. I have also been challenged to think differently based on a conversation I had today with an individual I regularly interact with in business. I know that I am at a place in life that I have lots of new opportunities opening up to me. The reality is, my reality, is that I am at a place in my life where I can choose to change the course of my life. I can chose to completely transform every area of my life. For the first time in my adult life I can choose how I want to live the rest of my life. I have never had that opportunity before. at least I never felt like I did. Now I do...

So today I have been inspired to make a significant change in my life. No longer am I going to be afraid of what others think of me and wanting to appear that I have all the answers, when I don't. I do however want to learn. I hope I never loose my passion for learning. Now however I am going to do something I very seldom do and that is to start asking questions. I am asking questions of myself, and my God, but also my friends, and those who inspire me, those who I respect and choose to learn from.

Questioning is often associated with doubt and is thought to be rebellious or unfaithful. But, we only learn more about God and our lives as his children by asking questions. To ask questions is to desire to find out if there is more to reality or a part of reality than I sense or experience or understand in the present moment. It is a desire to have clarification or translation of concepts, impressions or ideas so that we might confront and evaluate them. It is to participate in reality and be enabled to participate in reality. It is to avoid prejudiced or automatic reactions. It is to confess our faith in God Who can and will sustain us in the struggle and process of asking, learning and growing. (Is there any kind of growth without pain?) Asking questions is skeptical because we don't know, yet. T.S. Eliot wrote: "Skepticism is not infidelity or destructiveness, or unbelief due to mental sloth, but the habit of examining evidence and the capacity for delayed decision". (Not avoided decision.)

Jesus told us we must become like little children in order to belong in the Kingdom of Heaven. Little children constantly ask questions because they have faith in mommy and daddy, the world and God to give good answers. As "adults" we cripple ourselves with sophistication and fear and live in the smallest possible world. I no longer want to live in a small world. I want to be able to experience all that God has for me and the only way I know of to do that is to start asking questions.

Blessings,

A dream?

I have heard it said that dreams reveal things to us. In the bible God spoke to people in dreams (remember Joseph was instructed to take Mary as his wife and to not be ashamed of her for the child she carried was the child of God) and He even shared truths about the future in dreams. (remember another Joseph interpreted dreams about Egypt with 7 years of plenty and 7 years of famine)

I woke up this morning knowing the dream I had just had was revealing to me something about myself and this journey I am on. It was a snapshot so to speak of me doing an interview where I was sharing some of the things that helped me get to the place I was physically with my weight that had spiraled out of control, before embarking on this journey to health. I was quite surprised with what was revealed to me... there have been only a few people in my life who have had a significant impact on me. and two of them had health issues that have rocked my world. the first is my daughter. My daughter was born at a very low birth weight of just 4 pounds 8oz. She stayed very tiny for a very long time. Although she had a personality that was huge! she was very small. she wore preemie clothing and diapers until she was 6 months old! she was the size of a 4 month old when she was almost a year. one of the reasons was due to a heart condition. She was born with a congenital heart defect. Her Cardiologist shared with me that I just needed to make sure she had food available to her all the time. So for many years in an attempt to get her to eat enough I always had food out and around for "snacking" the second person was my mom. just over 4 years ago my mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer. After an initial surgery where they were able to see evidence of how far it had spread and how advanced it was, she was given just 6 months to live. During the next 6 months one of my daily jobs was to get mom to eat. Not always an easy things to do. So we watched a lot of "cooking shows" the food network became a close friend of ours. One of her favorites was a certain Southern Lady who loved to cook with lots of butter and mayonnaise. Mom would say "oh that looks so good" or "that sounds delicious" and the next thing you knew I was in the kitchen trying to prepare it for her. she would eat a few bites and I would be left to finish it off. Then after Mom passed away those foods became a "comfort" to me. Just like people hang onto items that belonged to a loved on. I hung onto the cooking shows and trying all the wonderful recipes. an enjoyable activity we shared. At the time it was happening it did not register with me that was what was happening, however, it was during the next three and a half years that a lifelong weight problem spiraled out of control.

I find it amazing to me that I never seen this before. It should have been so evident... It however, was not until this morning. I knew I needed to get this down on paper. I will now spend some time praying about it and processing it, so I know better how to deal with it and allow it to change my life for the better. I think i may do that at the Gym while on the treadmill...

Isn't God amazing! He knows the areas of our lives that need to be looked at and allows us small glimpses into things sometimes to reveal great truths to us. Even in our dreams He is at work molding us and shaping us into His original masterpiece.

Blessings my friends,

Winning...

Just a quick update to share that the Tupperfit Club challenge is over, actually has been over for one week now. However, it has taken me a full week to be able to even write about this. first of all the facts... My team won! we took first place. I personally took first place in the overall competition, with the highest weight loss. During the 16 weeks I lost 42 pounds. Add to that the 5 pounds I lost when I first learned I had been selected to be in the club and on a team. This makes my overall weight loss 47 pounds. just 3 pounds away from that big huge number of 50! Next Tuesday there will be an all Associates meeting and HR has asked permission to share details of my loss and highlight me regarding the competition.

If you are not hearing a lot of excitement in this post regarding this you are correct. I find it more than a bit overwhelming.... I never in my mind would have believed this is where I would find myself. especially in something like this... a weight loss competition. The truth is I do not feel that I should be here. I honestly did not work out the hardest. or the longest. I did not follow a special diet... not really. However, I did have something that no one else did.... I had God on my side! LOL... the reality for me at least is that this was never about a number on the scale, it was never about depriving myself of the foods I love. It was never about being better than everyone else. It was about getting healthy. It was about seriously making changes in my life that will be a new part of my life for the rest of my life. I will blog more on the actual changes I did make in another entry to this blog. and you can be sure that there will be more than one. Also remember this journey is far from over for me. I am essentially at the half way point in my weight loss journey. But still a long way from the end of my "journey" to become the woman God wants me to be. With lots of lessons still to be learned and lots of me to still uncover.


Blessings,

Kathy

Back on track!

I just wanted to post a quick update to let everyone know that all is well... Monday did find me in the Dr's office and She agreed no more BP meds!!!!! so a huge step forward on my journey to health! I have been very good with my nutritional plan... no more sliding down the slippery slope! God is good, so very good, especially to me! Tomorrow is the final weigh in for the Tupperfit Club Challenge! Here is hoping that all the mess this weekend and the effects of going off the meds does not mess up my results too badly. I will post again tomorrow to update everyone!

My beautiful daughter is now home... completely home... sleeping once again under my roof in the room next to where I currently sit typing! She was exhausted but full of stories of all her adventures in England, Scotland, Ireland, and Wales... over 650 photos to share! All is one again right in my world! She of course will jet out of here very early in the am to make it back to Tampa for classes at USF by 9am... LOL

Blessings everyone,

Kathy

rebellion of the body and mind...

Well this weekend... the best thing I can say, is it is over... This weekend has been a weekend of attacks. Mental, Physical and Emotional. The enemy has been trying to have a field day with me. Friday evening started with a huge attack from my past in a physical and mental way. My ex (of 16 yrs) arrived at my home earlier in the week asking me to sign legal papers. I had told him I would read over them and get back to him... He never was patient... he showed up at my door, uninvited, Friday evening. I explained to him that I would not sign them unless the wording was changed. I had no problem with what he was asking for, just the way it was stated, and how the words were untrue and reflected badly on our son. He reverted to behavior that was part of the catalyst of our divorce. The verbal, mental and emotional attack lasted for hours that evening. long after he stormed out of my home screaming, the phone calls continued and the enemy was enjoying himself as I emotionally crumbled in ways I have not in a very long time. leftovers from the celebration the week previous called my name from the freezer. I gladly made the trip many times into the moose tracks frozen yogurt until the container once almost full lay empty in the trash. Then the chips my next vice. granted not the greasy potato chips of my past, but brown rice crisps. Although a healthy alternative was never intended to be consumed in such quantity along with heaping servings of the roasted garlic hummus. It took two days, yet the completely consumed empty bag now lies next to the empty frozen yogurt container in the trash. Saturday brought another attack as I find myself light headed and unsteady on my feet. My blood pressure had fallen quite low. Even with the weight loss my Dr. has been hesitant in taking me off the meds I have been on for over 4 years to help control my blood pressure. Although running low for the past several weeks this weekend it catches up with me and I know I need to make the decision myself to not take meds that are now hurting me instead of helping me. My mind already a mess from the turmoil from the evening past, weakened into wrongful thinking, struggles with the effect of stopping some of the meds during my weight loss journey. How changing my body chemistry at this stage of the game will impact my weight in the short term and reflect badly on the final weigh in of the contest which ends in just a few days. I know I have few choices and resignation and depression become my companions for the next two days... No meds then on Saturday. Sunday a return to one out of three. The feeding frenzy continues... my only saving grace was I made a decision not to leave the house. To not allow myself to put dead food with no nutritional value into my mouth. Although the quantities were wrong and nothing of balance could be found in the choices I made, at least I console myself that my choices were healthy ones. fresh fruits and vegetables, whole grains and lean protein. It makes no difference my minds screams at me, as the numbers on the scale move up instead of down... My body rebels as it tries to adjust to the chemical changes taking place within. I can feel the tightening of my clothes as bloating, a normal side effect of not taking the water pill each morning as I have for over four years. So begins the process of my body trying to acclimate and return to its normal healthy way of balancing my fluid intake and output. I have no idea of how long it will take my body to adjust and start to regulate itself naturally. I try to increase my fluid intake to help the process. my muscles and joints protest even the simplest of tasks. typing this message is painful as my fingers are swollen. My heart cries out as I know my spiritual and emotional journey has suffered as my physical and mental challenges mounted. I find myself numb and a prisioner of the self inflicted poor choices that create this cycle of sorrow. I reached out to my chlldren hoping to draw hope from their lives. My daughter over 3000 miles away also is struggling with her own emotional and physical challenges today. My son shares thoughts he has heard in his fathers home and unknowingly wounds me with words and thoughts not his own but his fathers shared in our struggle of the past few days... reaching out brings further sorrow rather than the hope I was seeking... inactivity now along with continuous grazing becomes Sundays enemy... my mind shuts down further to a numb yet quiet contemplation of Gods word... I seek comfort in the movie "One Night with the King." looking to the story of Queen Ester to remind me that God has a plan and a purpose for each of us. That if we allow Him to work through us even in our darkest hours He is with us. A reminder I am a child of The Most High God. My soul cries as the story unfolds and my eyes shed tears even at the triumph of my Lord and King... still I stumble... I turn to a teaching from Beth Moore my mind hears truth and recognizes it, yet my heart still lies heavy in my chest... I know this too shall pass. I know this weekend has been a battle fought, with loses and wins both. I know that I am weary from the battle... my mind, my emotions, my physical muscles and joints and body chemistry still is a mess, my spiritual life tattered and hurting. Yet still I know that I know that I know... My God Reigns! My God carries me through these times of discouragement. He will never leave me nor forsake me... tomorrow morning I will find a way to see my Dr. I will seek professional assistance in this battle to regain my health. No longer will I allow the enemy to let me think I will be overtaken by defeat and abandon the work of the Lord in my life! Although my body and my emotions have battled hard this weekend My God is still in the business of transforming lives. Mine is still one He is working on. I will not abandon the fight... even though tonight I seek rest I have a desire to rise another day and engage in the fight for my life... I will battle to lay claim to the Life more abundant my Savior gave His very life for!

Selah

This word Selah appears in scripture... do you know what it means? I learned several years ago that it means to stop and pause, Think about what you just read. I have to tell you I did not like this word very much. I, like many others, do not like to stop in the middle of something to spend time "thinking" when we are on a roll, well, we just need to keep rolling! LOL... seriously in our society and in our generation, stopping to think or meditate or smell the roses is just not what successful people do. we not only do not slow down we multi-task! I am a very good multi tasker! I have been known to be successful doing many things at the same time. So slowing down to just think about something for 5 minutes is painful sometimes... I tried timing myself this morning to spend 5 minutes thinking about one thing. needless to say my mind was all over the place! LOL.... it was quite a frustrating 5 minutes for me. yet, it reinforced my need to practice slowing down and thinking more often.

I am beginning to understand that it is necessary to slow down and not always be running at top speed. In fact I am starting to believe this is a huge weapon of the enemy, to keep us so busy, so wrapped up in multi tasking that we do not have the time or ability to focus on the things God would have us to focus on. We don't even want to try things that we have never done before for fear that we will not be able to do them perfectly so we don't try. Think of the old saying of practice makes perfect. well how many of us have time to practice? So if I have no time to practice I need to be able to do it right the first time so I do not have to redo it or practice before I can get it right. The reality is we need to slow down. We need to focus, we need to practice doing the things God would have us do. those things He prepared in advance for us to do. How sad if we get to the end of our life here on earth and we realized we did not do the things God wanted us to do because we were too busy doing other good things, or we were afraid to try for fear we would not be able to do it perfectly the first time.

So here is my prayer...

God forgive me for my arrogance of always thinking I need to do it perfectly the first time, forgive me for being so busy that I may be missing out of doing the things You Lord have prepared for me to do. Help me to slow down enough and for as long as necessary to understand what you have prepared for me to do in this season of my life. Help me to not get frustrated when I cannot accomplish things the way I think I should but allow me instead to seek your face and your way of accomplishing the things you would have me accomplish. help me to get up and try again when I fail. knowing that it is in my weakness your strength is made perfect. in the name of my precious Lord and Saviour Jesus, AMEN

Standing on the Edge?

Have you ever felt like you are standing on the edge of something and just can't quite figure out what it is? Like there is something right there but you just cannot grasp it? you can almost feel it and hear it but just can't see it? Well that is kind of where I find myself tonight. I know that doesn't describe how I am truly feeling, it sounds very confusing even to me when I read it yet I am not able to come up with the words even...

Let me try this... I feel like God has prepared something for me and wants me to be prepared for it... yet I do not know what it is or how to prepare. I feel very unsettled. not fear, or doom. Just unsure of what is around the next corner. I feel that I am in a time of preparation just not sure what I am preparing for. At the same time I feel like God is teaching me great things. I feel like a sponge right now just soaking things up... so much in fact I am pretty sure I am not even processing it all. thankfully some of it is in a format I can go back to and reread it or review it or take it in again.

Take today for example. not only am I in a place at work where I am working on projects are looking at completely new technologies and services that I have never looked at before. I also in my personal life, need to make some decisions that are things I have never considered before that will require lots of research and education so I can make informed decisions. Then add to that the search for a new Church home, my Journey for health where I am learning all kind of new things with regards to nutritional and exercise information. Add to that, in my spiritual life I feel like I am being overwhelmed with some major Spiritual truths. I feel like there have been huge gaps in my education in the area of Spiritual truths... and as a part of this preparation God is pouring out buckets full of new information and experiences into my life daily! It is all a bit overwhelming! I sometimes feel, like today, that I am a beginner in an advance class! Interestingly enough at the same time as I try to process the information that just today has just been poured out into my life, I struggle to even remember all the things I promised myself to meditate on and think about. the reality is I have probably forgotten more than half of the nuggets of truth God poured out on me today alone. I realize that there are things going on that just months ago would have had me totally flipped out. things that I would be working myself up into a frenzy over and yet, as I think about them I just have incredible peace KNOWING that God is in control! It is amazing...

So conclusion to my late night rambling here.... I am celebrating that God continues to transform my life! in the physical, the mental, the emotional and the spiritual!!! I just realized as I was typing that and looking at all I had written above that that is exactly what is happening!!! Praise God He is so AWESOME!!!

Blessings,

Sunday Visits

Well yesterday marked 5 weeks now that I have been visiting new churches. It is getting a little easier in some ways and harder in others. walking into a new church and saying hello is getting easier, more comfortable if you will. getting up and choosing a place to go and actually getting out the door is getting harder.

This week I visited a fairly large church here in my local hometown. Fairly traditional in reputation, and considered the "country club set" by many. I found it to be in someways exactly that and in others to be quite refreshing. the worship was enjoyable although a bit reserved. the message was presented with passion I think... Since I am unused to the pastor and his method of preaching I am not sure, however, I am hearing a bit of buzz among others that this was pretty unusual for this church and this Pastor. although it was the first of the month there was no communion service. There was a tribute to the Armed Forces and to our Country in honor of the 4th of July. What was so different was when the Pastor called for Prayer I watched him and his worship leader kneel on the platform in humbleness to pray. Then He called for a time of extended prayer for all of us. and I watched as he once again moved to the back of the stage and fell to his knees in prayer. I and many others joined him in spending time on our knees begging God for his mercy in our lives and in our country. This was part of a nationwide movement yesterday for "Call 2 Fall" asking all Christians to make a commitment to spend time on their knees in humbleness before God pleading for God to once again forgive us for the sins of our country and making a commitment to follow our founding Fathers in standing up for God. Uniting our voices against those who would have God removed from public life and as a result continue to see the destruction of the greatest nation in the world.

I enjoyed the service. However am pretty sure this is not where God is preparing a place for me... the search goes on...

Yesterday afternoon was wonderful, a house full of friends, laughter, tears, joy and frustration as the single women in my life joined me in an afternoon of good (Healthy) food and fun! It was wonderful to reconnect and to share once again our lives. the joys and the tears the laughter and loneliness of our lives. to encourage each other as only one who has walked the same path can. It was so neat to at the end of the evening reflect on where these women have been and where they are now. It is amazing to see the growth in them that only God could accomplish. It is humbling to me for them to open up and share as much of themselves as they do. the vulnerability in them to be transparent in the unguarded moments of whispered conversations. In the giggles of wonder when they realized all the ways God is loving on them. In the tears of not understanding why God is allowing things and the frustration at not "getting it". I realized at the end of it all the incredible overflowing blessing each of them bring to my life. This is the life more abundant that Christ spoke of in John 10:10. it is the victorious affirmation from my Lord that he has defeated the enemy who came to kill steal and destroy, yet He in all His Glory stands guard over His own and like the Good Shepherd He is keeps us safe and provided for in the shelter of His love.

Blessings my friends,

Letting go...

Why do we have such a hard time letting go? we struggle with letting go of anything! good or bad! you know it is true... somethings like letting go of our Children, or a friend who is moving away. Well those types of things are almost understandable. we are selfish people who want what we want right? but other things are almost incomprehensible, like our bad habits that are killing us. The things that are hurting us or hurting others who we say we love. so many examples of this but lets take food for example. Food is designed by God to nourish and make strong our bodies. To keep us healthy and able to accomplish the things God has designed us to do. We however want to hold onto things even when they are slowly killing us.

This morning for the first time in quite a while, I woke up knowing one of my children was sleeping in their bedroom under my roof. I chose to walk softly leaving the stereo off and being careful with my movements in the kitchen to not awaken her this morning. What I wanted to do was burst through her door and jump on her bed and ask her to share her thoughts and fears with me as we snuggled under the covers like we did when she was a small child. Instead I found myself in my home office quietly contemplating all the things she is about to discover about this world. Even now hours later as she is awake and in the room next to me getting ready for her big trip I sit here wondering how to let go. I grew up singing the song "it's a small world after all" well this morning as I prepare to take her to the airport for her flight to London where she will rent a car and drive to Cambridge to pick up two friends and then start their European adventure just three 23 yr old girls alone in Europe, I have to tell you it dos not seem like a small world. It seems very large indeed.

Letting go is not easy... but a necessary part of growing up and growing stonger. We need to learn to let go of things. Things that are killing us and sometimes even those that when we let go, feel like they are!

Blessings my friends,