rebellion of the body and mind...

Well this weekend... the best thing I can say, is it is over... This weekend has been a weekend of attacks. Mental, Physical and Emotional. The enemy has been trying to have a field day with me. Friday evening started with a huge attack from my past in a physical and mental way. My ex (of 16 yrs) arrived at my home earlier in the week asking me to sign legal papers. I had told him I would read over them and get back to him... He never was patient... he showed up at my door, uninvited, Friday evening. I explained to him that I would not sign them unless the wording was changed. I had no problem with what he was asking for, just the way it was stated, and how the words were untrue and reflected badly on our son. He reverted to behavior that was part of the catalyst of our divorce. The verbal, mental and emotional attack lasted for hours that evening. long after he stormed out of my home screaming, the phone calls continued and the enemy was enjoying himself as I emotionally crumbled in ways I have not in a very long time. leftovers from the celebration the week previous called my name from the freezer. I gladly made the trip many times into the moose tracks frozen yogurt until the container once almost full lay empty in the trash. Then the chips my next vice. granted not the greasy potato chips of my past, but brown rice crisps. Although a healthy alternative was never intended to be consumed in such quantity along with heaping servings of the roasted garlic hummus. It took two days, yet the completely consumed empty bag now lies next to the empty frozen yogurt container in the trash. Saturday brought another attack as I find myself light headed and unsteady on my feet. My blood pressure had fallen quite low. Even with the weight loss my Dr. has been hesitant in taking me off the meds I have been on for over 4 years to help control my blood pressure. Although running low for the past several weeks this weekend it catches up with me and I know I need to make the decision myself to not take meds that are now hurting me instead of helping me. My mind already a mess from the turmoil from the evening past, weakened into wrongful thinking, struggles with the effect of stopping some of the meds during my weight loss journey. How changing my body chemistry at this stage of the game will impact my weight in the short term and reflect badly on the final weigh in of the contest which ends in just a few days. I know I have few choices and resignation and depression become my companions for the next two days... No meds then on Saturday. Sunday a return to one out of three. The feeding frenzy continues... my only saving grace was I made a decision not to leave the house. To not allow myself to put dead food with no nutritional value into my mouth. Although the quantities were wrong and nothing of balance could be found in the choices I made, at least I console myself that my choices were healthy ones. fresh fruits and vegetables, whole grains and lean protein. It makes no difference my minds screams at me, as the numbers on the scale move up instead of down... My body rebels as it tries to adjust to the chemical changes taking place within. I can feel the tightening of my clothes as bloating, a normal side effect of not taking the water pill each morning as I have for over four years. So begins the process of my body trying to acclimate and return to its normal healthy way of balancing my fluid intake and output. I have no idea of how long it will take my body to adjust and start to regulate itself naturally. I try to increase my fluid intake to help the process. my muscles and joints protest even the simplest of tasks. typing this message is painful as my fingers are swollen. My heart cries out as I know my spiritual and emotional journey has suffered as my physical and mental challenges mounted. I find myself numb and a prisioner of the self inflicted poor choices that create this cycle of sorrow. I reached out to my chlldren hoping to draw hope from their lives. My daughter over 3000 miles away also is struggling with her own emotional and physical challenges today. My son shares thoughts he has heard in his fathers home and unknowingly wounds me with words and thoughts not his own but his fathers shared in our struggle of the past few days... reaching out brings further sorrow rather than the hope I was seeking... inactivity now along with continuous grazing becomes Sundays enemy... my mind shuts down further to a numb yet quiet contemplation of Gods word... I seek comfort in the movie "One Night with the King." looking to the story of Queen Ester to remind me that God has a plan and a purpose for each of us. That if we allow Him to work through us even in our darkest hours He is with us. A reminder I am a child of The Most High God. My soul cries as the story unfolds and my eyes shed tears even at the triumph of my Lord and King... still I stumble... I turn to a teaching from Beth Moore my mind hears truth and recognizes it, yet my heart still lies heavy in my chest... I know this too shall pass. I know this weekend has been a battle fought, with loses and wins both. I know that I am weary from the battle... my mind, my emotions, my physical muscles and joints and body chemistry still is a mess, my spiritual life tattered and hurting. Yet still I know that I know that I know... My God Reigns! My God carries me through these times of discouragement. He will never leave me nor forsake me... tomorrow morning I will find a way to see my Dr. I will seek professional assistance in this battle to regain my health. No longer will I allow the enemy to let me think I will be overtaken by defeat and abandon the work of the Lord in my life! Although my body and my emotions have battled hard this weekend My God is still in the business of transforming lives. Mine is still one He is working on. I will not abandon the fight... even though tonight I seek rest I have a desire to rise another day and engage in the fight for my life... I will battle to lay claim to the Life more abundant my Savior gave His very life for!